What is Self-Worth and How to Cultivate It
It is with my deepest level of compassion that I write this post. Consider it an open letter for anyone who struggles with self-worth issues.
Because, let’s face it- most of us do.
I want you to think of a flower- a rose, let’s say. From the moment the seed is planted into the soil, until the moment that plant no longer lives, it is a rose.
It is a rose when it’s a seed, it is a rose independent of its potential to bloom myriads of flowers or not, and it is a rose when it dies.
You can’t deprive the rose from being a rose, no matter what stage it’s in, what its struggles are, or if it will ever bloom and give you the wonderful flowers you seek.
It isn’t less of a rose when it’s hidden in the dark soil. It isn’t judged for not having grown fast enough or good enough, nor is it less of a rose for having just one tiny leaf spurt.
A rose is a rose and nothing can take that away from it.
This is the way to think about self-worth too. Whether you’re familiar with the concept or new to it, you’re worthy because you’re worthy.
–Teal Swan
And you cannot be deprived of being worthy at any time in your life.
Self-Worth in Childhood
When you’re born as a child, you are completely worthy. And you are completely worthy the moment you die too.
No one or nothing can deprive you of that in life.
The baby- you – is seen for its potential and it isn’t judged for not being able to do better now (i.e. for not being able to speak, walk, talk, and understand from the moment it is born).
Is it loved regardless of its talents, skills, results.
It is loved unconditionally.
But usually along the journey we forget this and get stuck in the idea of not being worthy enough to be, have, or receive something in life.
It is at this point we start being loved conditionally by others or ourselves.
Essentially, we grow up with the idea that we will be loved if we get good grades, or if we are a nice child and don’t act out, or if we stay in the lines.
Should we fail to do so, external love is withdrawn from us.
And we fail to love ourselves too, even when all others can’t.
Even if you’ve had parents to teach you more concepts about self-worth and life, self-worth is ultimately an individual path.
Although most of us had parents who had no clue what they were doing (some today are so good liars, they’ve convinced themselves they know what they’re doing), discovering your own uniqueness, your values, and ultimately your self-worth is still a process to be done by yourself.
And it’s a rewarding one too. Because along the journey, you discover insurmountable amounts of love which you never even thought were possible.
Whatever level of love you know now, you’ll come to experience one you’ve never thought possible before just by pursuing the path of self-worth.
Because in doing so, you are essentially moving in the vibration of self-love.
The Belief Self-Worth Stems From
Now, I did say most of us had parents with zero clue of exactly what it is that they’re doing.
But despite parents not knowing exactly what they were doing, ultimately worth is inherent in all of us.
Regardless of the chosen experiences in life.
So, by this point I advise you to drop all expectations of having been taught this by the very people who don’t know self-worth either.
Self-worth stems from the belief of not being good enough.
It is in this energetic space where doubt, shame, or guilt make a presence.
It is in that instant moment that we’ve forgot unconditional love towards ourselves.
“I’m not good enough to receive these grades.”
“I don’t deserve this luxurious penthouse.”
“I’m not a good parent.”
“I’m not loved by mom and dad if I act out. (Therefore, I am not a good enough child)”
“There are many homeless, starving people out there. I don’t deserve all these fancy gifts.”
“I don’t deserve a loving and supporting husband by my side.”
“I’ve wronged my child terribly by abandoning him. I don’t deserve his love.”
Tricky as it may be, unconditional love isn’t very familiar to us all.
Sadly, by the many cultural and societal limitations put on us every day, we are never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.
I mean just imagine the multitude of companies going out of business if today you decide you are more than enough and you are worth every drop of love in this universe.
Luckily, there are both companies and people kind enough to keep their integrity and help you out on your journey to self-love.
Common Examples of Feeling Not Enough
You see, the moment you step out of line for whatever reason (and whatever line is defined by another person), other people can’t control you.
Not now, not ever.
It’s a universal law. We can’t control someone else’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Even as much as we’d tend to think we know better for them.
Therefore, most recur to controlling behavior such as punishment in the form of “if you don’t [insert defined line here], then [insert threat here].”
I’ve mentioned not many parents knowing what they’re doing.
Well, here’s an example of that. This type of parenting technique essentially tells the child that if the child doesn’t do what is told, then the child will not receive their love.
Stupid, right?
Well, to the average adult, we know that’s not the case. The child is still loved unconditionally.
But to the brain, heart, and experience of the child, that is exactly what it understands.
That it will not receive love from its caregivers, unless…
Another example:
Say you’re an adult now, and despite arguing with reality and wishing it to be different, there are still some occasions where you undervalue yourself.
In an instance where you failed or lost someone due to unforeseen circumstances, the most common thought is that of “if I could just have been there and done that (…)”.
This applies to any moment in life where you’ve felt guilty.
Basically, any moment where you wish you were someone else back then, when in fact, you weren’t or couldn’t have been.
- If I could just have taught my child this specific life lesson;
- If I could just have said and stated my wants and needs;
- If I could’ve done something differently, or if I could’ve been more of what that person needed;
- If I would have known sooner.
The past is a great teacher.
The issue arises when we’re stuck in the past and denying or rejecting reality.
Wishing things could have been different is literally a waste of time. You can’t go back in time with the knowledge and wisdom you have now.
But that’s not to say you can’t start forgiving yourself for the past and loving yourself every day from today onwards.
You don’t see yourself for what you truly are- whole and complete.
Some people, because of this, try to numb down the void inside, hoping it will go away.
They do it through overdrinking, overeating, using drugs, overworking, overachieving, smoking, or any detrimental habit to their wellbeing.
If you do this, you are depriving yourself from the eternal love you can give yourself.
And as if that isn’t bad enough, you’ll end up depriving the world of your beautiful love, gifts, talents, and uniqueness that is you.
Common Mistakes That Decrease Self-Worth
Remember that no one can take away the thing that is you.
Your worth isn’t valued by who you spend your time with, what people you surround yourself with, how many achievements you’ve had, whether you got a degree or not, if you found yourself a partner with whom you’ll have a baby, how big your car, your house, or your bank account is.
You are worthy of giving and receiving love every moment of every day.
But that’s not to say that there isn’t a type of mindset keeping you away from receiving the goodness both you and the world can offer to yourself.
Here are some things to avoid if you want to step into the space of self-worth and self-love:
- Comparison
- Taking things personally (Personalizing someone’s reaction to you)
- Blaming (others or yourself)
- Jumping to worst case scenarios
- Assuming (For example: “He hates me” is a statement that can be just an assumption. The other person’s reaction to you could probably be out of anything else but you. This goes back to point number 2.)
- Overgeneralizing (especially with the words “always” and “never”: “he never shows me love”, “he’s always late and never thinks about me”)
- Labelling and judging
- All or nothing thinking (Such as making something mean it’s either a success or a failure, nothing in between)
- Making feelings facts (For example: “I feel unworthy therefore I must be worthless” or “I hate my sibling, therefore I’m unworthy of love.”)
- Arguing with reality (Especially true when you want to change reality and feel powerless to do so. This could lead to dangerous addictions in order to escape or avoid reality.)
Discovering Your Self Worth
Pursuing the path of self-worth will naturally move you into self-esteem and self-love as well.
So how do you go about discovering your self-worth?
1. Incrementally move towards positive affirmations
Positive affirmations are powerful. They evoke the loving energy within you and physically change your chemistry inside your body.
Yet, I want to point out that they don’t work for everyone. This is because there’s an underneath belief that is going against the affirmation.
You must first work with that belief towards a neutral state, and later towards a positive one.
This is done until your newfound belief is a self-serving one.
A loving belief. A better feeling thought.
Do NOT go from “I hate myself” to “I love myself” because it isn’t going to work. Use bridging, neutral thoughts like “I value myself because I care.”
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Kindness and compassion are like a muscle in your body that you get to train.
The more you practice it, the easier and natural it’ll become for you.
Instead of beating yourself up for an event you can’t change or a mistake you made a long time ago, look for the wonderful things about you and treat yourself the way you would treat a child.
If you wouldn’t scold the child for a past mistake over and over again, don’t do it for yourself either.
Be your own best friend. (article)
3. Forgive Yourself
So you’ve done some things you’re not proud of. You’ve said some hurtful stuff you’d rather take back in a heartbeat.
Guess what? The past is gone and it served its purpose: to teach you.
Let it go and practice forgiveness. You’re the only person you have until your very last breath.
Why not start with forgiving yourself and loving yourself unconditionally?
We are all humans; we make mistakes.
Cut yourself some slack and practice the sentence “I forgive myself for (…)”.
“I did my best at the time with the knowledge and experience I had.”
4. Journal Your Journey
I won’t preach more than I should about journaling, but it is life changing!
Unless you become aware of the thoughts and beliefs that are making you feel bad about yourself, there’s no way you can change them.
You’ll keep running them on autopilot.
Journaling is one of my favourite methods for increasing self-awareness.
You truly don’t know how many thoughts or feelings you go through in one day until you start writing them. Trust me. I surprised myself with that one.
Having a writing outlet is a great place to start when you want to cultivate self-worth and self-love.
Put on paper anything that comes to mind and don’t judge yourself for it. Write freely.
5. Meditate
Well I wouldn’t talk about journaling and mental health without including meditation as a tool, now would I?
The cascading endless benefits meditation gives are a good enough reason to at least be curious about it and try it out.
To your surprise, meditation isn’t just sitting still with your eyes close.
It can be in the form of a standing meditation, a walking meditation, or even a meditative activity.
Think painting, washing the dishes, walking barefoot on the grass. What these methods have in common is that you’re directing all your focus and energy into the thing at hand.
But if you are a beginner, I’d start with short diaphragmatic breathing exercises and move my way up to meditation.
Decide to include meditation as a daily practice. Practice it for at least 10 minutes each morning and watch your days unfold differently.
6. Put a Loving Intention into Your Water
What helped people the most when dealing with depression is putting a loving intention into their food or drink.
Since we’re 70% water, it helps to start with your water first.
Water is H2O. But the way these molecules arrange themselves differs depending on whether you put an intention or not.
There are myriads of studies for the effects love has on water. I won’t go into them here.
But I will say this: whenever you hold a glass of water, place your hands around the glass and think of anything loving to you.
It can be a pet you love, a partner you love, a baby’s smile. Whatever is personal to you that arises the feeling of love.
Do this for about 2-3 minutes and drink the water. If done on a regular basis, the love you are feeding your body with will start shifting you from the inside out.
Watch your level of self-love increase throughout a period of about 3 months.
7. Record Yourself and Listen While You Sleep
As crazy as it sounds, yes, it does work.
Remember that any belief going on since you were a child is difficult to change rapidly if you don’t go into the operating system.
There are beliefs you may have that started from a memory before the age of 7. Essentially, when you had no analytical brain and you were just a sponge.
For this reason, it helps to record yourself talk kindly and compassionately.
When you fall asleep listening to yourself talk in this way, you are creating new neuropathways that are in charge of bringing forth that reality to you.
And we all want a reality with less judgement and self-hate, don’t we?!
Record yourself say positive affirmations and fall asleep listening to that.
Final thoughts
We’ve all been given the gift of life. What you do with is entirely up to you.
You can do anything your brain is capable of conceiving.
You can shoot for the moon, you can pour cascading amounts of love into your life, you can create everything out of nothing.
It’s a blessing to get to live such a wonderful, loving, joyous life.
But to most adults, that’s just a fairytale you read out loud when you put your kids to bed.
It’s sad, but it’s true that most don’t believe this anymore.
The majority of people have forgotten such deep levels of self-worth, self-appreciation, self-love.
And without them, you can still go through life. It’ll just have a higher chance of turning out to be an unsatisfied life.
This bears repeating: The journey isn’t to learn self-worth and self-love. The journey is to remember it.
You were always worthy and you always will be.
You’ve been whole and complete your entire life. You are capable of meeting your own wants and needs as much as anyone else can do it for you.
You’re capable of loving a baby tremendously. So, don’t question how capable you are of loving yourself.
And you’re capable of forgiving others too. So, don’t give up on the idea that you can’t forgive yourself.
Finally…
If you want to read more about how to stop being a people pleaser and take your power back, I’ve created this self-love workbook for you.
It’s a step by step process designed to uncover and shift deeper limiting beliefs as well as to show you how you can become the badass woman you were always meant to be.
P.S: Feel free to drop a comment down below if you’ve enjoyed this article or if you want to share a self-love story with others.
This community is designed for you to feel like you have an open space to be yourself and to connect with others.
